Taper Madness and the Bidet Question

Wait, what?

I thought that running was the whole point of this marathon business.

But here I am in the last days before Big D Day, and everything I read says I'm supposed to be on my bum more and more in these final hours.

Is this like how some engaged couples suddenly sleep in separate beds the last weeks before the wedding?

Or like being extra frugal right before vacation? Holy cow, I want to splurge!

I jealously watched people on long runs this week on Town Lake. Trotting around the 4 mile loop just once was not what my system wanted, and I looked longingly at the nerdy packs of water and supplies the Distancers carried around their waists.

I wanted to run up and grab their sweaty arms and ask, "How far are you going??! TELL ME ABOUT IT!"

I think there were some babies in strollers covering more mileage than I. Ever been envious of a baby? Yeah, it's a strange new sensation. Muttering "damn baby" to oneself kinda makes you feel like a douchebag. It probably should.

But now I'm starting to get the jitters. What if my muscles totally deteriorated within these few days of rest? Why couldn't I have just done one 10-miler this week? Will my legs really remember how to keep going for several hours tomorrow? AARRRRGHHH!!!

I've gone to the gym to swim. This doesn't count as anything too physically demanding though; I paddle up and down the lanes with my face and hair well out of the water like the prissy princess that I am. Even the stoic elderly Asian lady in the lane next to me puts on a cap and gets fully wet for her water aerobics, as does the large-bellied Italian dude on the other side.

So I princess-paddle until my fingers wrinkle, jump in the sauna to at least work up a proper sweat, and then head back to the office. I still don't feel like I've exercised, and all I can think about is running.

I've got it. I've got the Taper Madness--the insanity that sets in the week before the race when you're allowing your body to rest (when you "taper" your mileage).

Come on, I'm not even a real runner! This is not something I should be experiencing. The Taper Madness is for the real athletes; secret runners like me should enjoy this time on the couch.

No. I've gone insane. And I didn't think there was going to be any relief...until my friends managed to give me a seated ab workout.

This is the email chain I returned to at the office one day. I've given my buddies aliases here to protect them from implication in this slightly off-color conversation held from our various places of employment.

And here's a brief background so you can truly appreciate the humor.

Babycakes: Knows more about the English language and then general trivia than anyone I know. So when she poses the original question, it really points out how mysterious this bidet issue really is.

Lurv: Works for AIDS Arms in Dallas and dedicated part of her life to teaching deaf students in Kenya. I know, pretty awesome right? Lurv has had more exposure to parts of the world and societies than the rest of us. Due to the nature of her current work she tends to know a lot about, um, sexual beliefs and practices than we do.

Redhot: Historically asks the funniest questions. It is because of her that we looked up "sex waffles" on urbandictionary.com

Hot Dog: Her nickname is Hot Dog, and that should be enough explanation right there.

Babycakes: Guys, why are bidets common in Europe and not America? For some reason a Google ad about bidets popped up on my Bed, Bath, and Beyond email, so this is not out of nowhere. I promise.


Lurv: No idea...random! Haha. I can't say I've ever used one.


Redhot: There was one in our hotel room in Montreal. It came in handy the morning I was hungover, but other than that, I had no idea how to use it. The faucet faced down, so how would that work?


Lurv: I think you fill up the basin or something?


Rehot: oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh


Babycakes: Hmmm. Clearly they don't work like I thought. However, I am too nervous about Googling at work.


Lurv: I googled. Shall I copy and paste? I've definitely googled weirder things here.


Hot Dog: HAHAHAHA


K: It is generally understood that the user should sit on a bidet facing the tap and nozzle for washing the genitalia, and should sit with back to the tap and wall when washing the anus and buttocks. For a thorough cleaning, the user should use a hand to scrub the area with soap after wetting, then rinse. A dedicated towel or wipe is often available for drying.


Thanks Wikipedia.


Babycakes: Why can't you just wash yourself in the shower? I don't understand this separate device business.


Lurv: I think it's for times when a full on shower would be inconvenient, perhaps. Do Europeans have bidets in public bathrooms? I haven't been to Europe in a long time. Unless you count the Amsterdam airport, which does not have bidets in public bathrooms.


Babycakes: Unless you are a prostitute. I can see how a bidet would be handy in that line of work.


Redhot: Wait. As a courtesy beforehand? Because I’m pretty sure that won’t help. I have a feeling Katie’s about to tell us.


Babycakes: Or between clients. If I was a "john," I think I'd want that.


Hot Dog: tears. tears.


Lurv: Hahaha. I mean...if you're stankythebody.com and they always have a "strange but true" question and reguarly it's someone asking if they wash themselves immediately after sex if that can prevent them from getting HIV, or from people who are HIV+ asking if they wash themselves before if that can prevent it. Frightening


Babycakes: Who else has a gmail ad for basicbidet.com as a result of this chain??? LOLOLOLOL.


Lurv: I have "Water wash in toilet $25 - install in minutes!" that includes video, basicbidet.com, shower soap ad and comfort clean bidet. Yes. And at the top an ad for energy efficient bidets. Awesome!


Hot Dog: I've got "Buy Bio Bidet Online!"


Lurv: Now I have ads for barn and fence paint, dairy farmers, "Mepron: Raise Milk Yields" and horse boarding and lessons. Wha?
And - whoa - this at the top: Cow Seras - Call 888-373-7601 for Free Samples - of High- Quality Fetal Cow Serum!
What.


Hot Dog: hahahahahahaha. Lurv, i can HEAR you saying that. awesome.


Lurv: Saying what, high quality fetal cow serum? Hahaha.


Redhot: omg, I’ve been in meetings for an hour, and this was awesome to return to. I wish I had access to Gmail :(


Redhot: OH, p.s., the next email above this in my inbox is from Corporate, titled “Email Security Breach.” Seriously for a split second I thought the bidet/prostitute/disease convo had gotten me in trouble.


And that was the conversation.

Now my abs feel super strong from so much laughing, and I am no longer feeling like such a couch potato. Thanks, friends.